we count the number of times we cut — Jeopardy Literary Magazine

we count the number of times we cut

Haley Walker

our hair

as if we have 9 lives

and each life we take is a surrender

to scissors

and bleach

a souvenir to remember

a suicide

hidden in choppy yellow locks

pinned behind the ear

and peach fuzz baby head

our hair is a scar

we are able to hide

a knife spoke to me once

told me to chop off my finger

like it was a carrot

and throw it in the compost

for the birds

let them taste you

it said

let them stick your finger

in their mouths

and bite down like you never could

a surrender to suicide

is a surrender to violence

because we have 9 lives

because he got shot

and we get to choose when we

want to die

the knife in my head is a woman

she roars at me

and i cry back

the knife in my head is a woman

her trembles cause earthquakes

at my feet

we count the number of times we cut

our hair

scissors become weapon

hair becomes weapon

i become weapon

a surrender;

a suicide;

a haircut.

A Dossier, or a case study,

or that night I didn’t go home

We drew bandaids on our stomachs

and smoked weed until we threw up

dragon smoke on that girls lawn

They laughed and called me

a whore for making love with the

sidewalk Gravel gently glowing

on my face I took off my dress

The sun; an open mouth gaping

hole of tongue Sits on its shelf and

drools Lavender and orange bouncing

in the grassy blades Dog walkers

and elderly men stop and stare

Don’t look I’m just trying to feel

something A scraped knee tender and

purple cabbage leaves peeling white

Early morning and hot mouth dew

He gave us a blanket and pills

I took the blanket she took the

pills Lay our heads to rest Crowned king

and queen of the night Shh don’t tell

We drew bandaids on our stomachs

because we knew there would be more