Content Warning: Deals with death/grief
I look inside myself,
And see that I am a Russian doll
Husk after husk
I am digging into my own earth
and I find too much memory
The layers of dirt and birthday cake
Hold too much of me
Too many versions of hurt
Too many unsaid words
Too much, too much yet again
Inside is everyone I have ever been
Tucked inside my frosting layers
is 14 year old me
She is still losing hope
Despite already knowing the end.
You didn’t show up last year either.
Sick of waiting,
she blows out her candles.
And little 6 year old me
She just learned the word absent in class
She understands for the very first time
That the definition of priority
And the definition of Chloe
Are not the same fucking thing.
And we are all so confused.
And we are all so angry.
Every emotion twisted inside me
But it has nowhere to go
It sits in my greenhouse mind
and pushes the glass.
You would think,
Maybe someone on the outside would see
the withering plants bursting from the roof
No one comes with a watering can
I can feel my branches begging to see the sky
I feel the leaves wanting to be said
I wish it all had somewhere to grow
My thorned love
And my many-petaled anger
Sit on barren shelves, in abandoned pots
They both curdle into grief
They lost their use long ago
Never flowed out
Of my many mouths
There are soured happy birthdays,
Spoiled but sincere thank yous,
Rotten I love yous,
All balled up and gagged,
I swallowed them all too long ago.
I had so many mouths
I feel it all in the back of my throat
But I could not scream
You could never hear it
You will never hear it.
My once useful mouth
Is now only an open wound
I cannot tell you how angry I am
Cannot eviscerate you like I used to
You will never hold my blame
Like I hold this genetic anger
This hereditary desire to destroy
I wish I still had time to escape from you
You will never apologize for anything again
I can’t fly out the front door and
Tell you I never want to come back
I can’t come back anyways
weeks later and apologize
I miss being your stray cat, Dad
And my vocal cords are drying up
And I am still screaming
In the middle of our kitchen
About how I wish you loved me a little more
And you are still deaf.
How do you scream into death?
Can you send a letter to the void?
I drew you hearts on the envelope
Sealed it with a million ungiven kisses
Can I love you back to life?
Can I leave a message after the beep?
Does the void hear me?
Did you ever hear me?
Will you ever hear me?
I scream nonetheless,
And no echo comes back.
The streetlights are coming on
And no voice calls me home for dinner.
I listen anyways.