Content Warning: Description of blood, reference to death, attempted suicide
i don’t want to sit in the doom in the gloom of my room of my blue of my blue room all day where the water always rises until i can’t hear anything but the wails coming from my empty mouth, but the thought of leading of leaving the warm covers that pin my skin down hurts almost as much as the knives being drilled shoved into out of my fragile skull,
bone crushing crunching cracking.
they poured termites in down my ears while i slept and they’ve chewed me out into a dripping sculpture of reeds and coiling veins, so empty and hollow when they call
my name—
my
wrong name—
my
old name—
my
dead name—
the ALTER EGO is all they see despite my EGO the EGO mine own EGO standing tall and doused drenched dressed delighted in neon yellow lights.
“That’s my E
G
O”
but they choose to ignore it and look instead for the tiny semblance of an old used skin that’s paper thin and ripped down the middle from when i clawed crawled collided clambered out of its confines of my confinement.
“T r a d i t i o n
over
T
R
A
N
S
i
t
i
o
n ”
they say as they pick up the rotting shell and caress gently roughly the TRANSlucent skin.
i used to wear that, i don’t say.
that’s not mine anymore, i want to say.
instead.
a shriek comes out not from me and it drowns out the words i do say.
you will never
hear
know
them.
i learned from last time to never let they you know my truths because they you always allow it to get twisted before I can even
GET THEM
cHOKE tHEM
Push Them
past my dry lips.
you smile as you staple the flimsy old skin over my new one and tell me not to take it off again, pretty please.
p r e t t y pLeAsE
my lips are sewn shut but my fingers scream for me.
tonight
i will pull each staple from my skin with purplevioletindigo tweezers and take a bath in rubbing alcohol to strip away the disease you’ve pushed twisted shot into me.
tonight
i will burn the shell, even though i know you will simply gather the ashes and melt them back into my skin tomorrow afternoon after you’ve finally noticed my sin.
you
refuse to see the glowing yellow of my EGO and
you
will never understand the pain caused by a wound someone else keeps inflicting.
why would a stranger assume to know me better than myself?
the body keeps the score. the body keeps the score. the body keeps the score. the body keeps the score. the body keeps the score. the body keeps the score. the body keeps the score. my body keeps your score. my body keeps your score. my body keeps your score. my body keeps your score. my body keeps your score. my body keeps your score. my body keeps your score.
the trauma you’ve gifted given me in a brown package that is leaking deep redredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredredred blood carelessly on my bed will follow me in my pain forever.
i used to dream of co-existing with you, and now all i wish is for you to never notice that i exist.
to exist amongst the dead would be a kinder fate, but not even the stars are willing to speak on that.
my words choke out of me as my pen scrambles to pick up from the lined paper.
my mind hurts aches recoils stings with it but i can’t i can’t i can’t pinpoint it, nothing is clear is crystal is real, and the sounds in within my ears only make it worse.
my sounds of isolation are so loud only i can hear them.
my hand has so much to say it achesBURNShurtsthrobs from the joints of my thumb to the muscle in my palm to the nerve on fire in my wrist to my elbow.
i am on fire with the desperate need to get it out so why does my mouth fill up with scorching, empty air and my brain flood through my eyes every time i try to slam the pick into the rock to unclog the stream and end the drought?
i’d rather drown alive kicking screaming fighting than burn silently.
i’d rather drown dead.
i’d rather drown away.
i’d rather drown within.
i’d rather drown my mind and feel it all than set my heart a light and feel nothing.
how can i escape?
pull the trigger.
come ooonnnn, you kNoW you wwaanntt to.
cooomme ooonnnn, dig the barrell into my temple and click with the bang.
it will feel good, i promise you.
so warm, so sudden.
you’ve already killed my chance at living full,
why not finish the job?
no?
COWARD.
i knew you’d never do it when i asked for it.
you get off on no consent, after all.
it’s no fun when i play the willing part.
she used to caress my shell so lovingly, and when i finally ripped through it took through it off that first time and whispered in her ear, “I’m so afraid, I’m so afraid, I’m so—” she gently scratched at my tingly new skin. but then she insisted on clawing chunks out of me, and i couldn’t give her what she wanted. not when i had worked so hard fought so hard pleaded so hard to carefully regrow this new epidermis layer. so i left her behind, and you and everyone around me thought i was making a big-mistake a wrong-choice a self-sabotage a careless-error but i know the difference.
i know what i want,
what i want to give.
The Hermit whispered his congratulations in my ear as i slept with my temple to his face that night.
we knew.
so no, i don’t want another her.
i refuse to wear my shell again, and
i refuse
i refuse
i refuse
to share that part of me again.
look, do not touch.
i spent so long
i spent so much
i spent so hard
i spent so heart to find that part of me, and no one else’s sacrifice to me can compare to the one i made to myself.
this is me healing.
this is me finding.
this is me searching.
this is me wondering.
this is me watching.
this is me living.
this is me loving.
this is me knowing.
this is me — ing.
this is me — ing.
this is me — Ing.
this is me — iNG.
this is me — ING.
this is me — ing.
this is me — ing.
this is me — ing.