Content Warning: gore, death
New Hire Notice
Tuesday, March 4th, at 10:13 am
To: Employee #7836
From: The Magical Menagerie HR Department
Subject: Welcome to the team!
The HR team at The Magical Menagerie would like to personally welcome you, Employee #7836 to our wonderful team of zookeepers who we cherish no matter the circumstance. This email is simply to cover some of the basics before your first day.
You will receive a new email with official designation after a week of employment. Attrition the first week is so high we let the system handle emails to take some of the load off of the IT Fairies. Until then, refer to this email account for any notices or work that must be performed.
For your first day, please ensure that all of your tasks are completed with the information mentioned below in mind:
Do not be surprised if you cannot find Bigfoot in his enclosure. That’s what he’s paid to do.
Upon rebirth, the Phoenix will explode into ashes. Be sure to clean him up and return him to the hatchery before any patrons step on them. This is of great importance, as it makes him grumpy when he hatches.
Don’t make fun of the Mermaids’ tails. They’re very self-conscious of their lack of legs. They’re contracted to the company, and we don’t want to lose another one to legal issues.
Please ensure that any cell phone or other mobile device is not on your person when entering the Loch Ness Monster’s viewing area. After all, we don’t want to ruin her image.
Avoid wearing red in the Minotaur enclosure. As you know, our tour uniforms are red, so please ensure you change into the blue maintenance uniform before entering the maze.
Always stay on the path in the Living Forest. You only need to clean the path, the forest cleans itself.
Only certified virgins can go in the Unicorn cage. They impale anyone who’s impure.
NEVER wash the Hell Hound enclosure with holy water. The spray bottle, however, is fine.
Be sure to wear our fire-resistant hazmat suit when entering the Chimera cage. This ensures lack of incineration and avoids a lethal dose of venom.
Pandora’s Box is for display only. It is NOT a garbage can.
ALWAYS STAY ON THE PATH IN THE LIVING FOREST.
Never look at the basilisk without our protective glasses. Be sure to check the box in the viewing area to ensure that there are always glasses available as well.
Don’t bring laser pointers into the Griffin cage. They fly into the walls. Those “toys” are reserved for their playpen.
If you see a chest full of gold lying around unattended, alert the beastkeepers. Immediately.
The Kraken is currently ill. The veterinarian will be in later today. Until then, be sure to take its temperature every few hours using one of its many orifices.
And finally, for god’s sake… don’t piss off the dragon.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. We are extremely excited to have you on board with our wonderful team! We wish you good luck on your first day and hope you find your place amongst the family that is our crew. For any other questions, please refer to the attached employee handbook below.
Attachment: MM Employee Handbook (32.5 GB)
P.S.
It has been 1 hour and 12 minutes since our last incident. That’s a new company best! Congratulations team!
Signed,
Magical Menagerie HR
Tuesday, March 4th, at 4:47 pm
To: Employee #7836, + 849 others
From: Magical Menagerie HR
Subject: Veterinarian Incident
This email is being sent out to inform you of an incident that occurred at 4:35 pm today, regarding the veterinarian treating the Kraken. During the treatment, the Kraken was sedated to provide a safe environment both for the creature and our workers. The sedation was effective, and successful treatment was conducted. However, the Kraken began to wake earlier than expected. As it woke, the creature had a slight twitch, slamming its tentacle into the wall near the entrance. Unfortunately this occurred while the veterinarian was still making her way out of the tank. She was crushed under the tentacle, and is no longer with us.
The Magical Menagerie Legal Team would like to inform you that actions are being taken to ensure the legal cooperation of both the veterinarian’s employer and family, and appropriate compensation is being delivered to both. They would also like to remind each of you that you are legally prohibited from discussing events that occur within the zoo’s boundaries with anyone who is not a MM employee. We thank you for your cooperation and gently remind you what happens to those who do not respect that agreement!
P.S.
It has been 12 minutes and 17 seconds since our latest incident.
Signed,
Magical Menagerie HR
Wednesday, March 12th, at 8:00 am
To: Employee #7836
From: Magical Menagerie IT Fairies
Subject: New Email Notice
Congratulations! You have survived your first week. As of today, you are being awarded a new email with a proper name designation. At your soonest convenience, please go to the IT department to receive your credentials. The fairies will assist you with setting everything up, and are looking forward to seeing you soon!
Signed,
Magical Menagerie IT Department
Wednesday, March 12th, at 12:30pm
Journal Entry #1
Shaun Cook
What a week. I was told this place was weird when I signed on, but I certainly didn’t expect this. I guess it makes sense. They don’t want anyone to know about what exactly happens here otherwise they’d get shut down immediately. No wonder the government provides convicts to be their maintenance staff.
Anyways, I’m not supposed to discuss anything with anybody outside of the company, and I’m certainly not willing to risk it, especially after what happened to Joey, so I guess I’ll compile my thoughts here.
I was greeted here with quite the first day. I originally laughed at that email they sent out to the new hires, thinking there was no way all that was possible. Damn was I wrong. My first task was to head into the Living Forest with some other new hires to clean the path, picking up the garbage and sweeping off the concrete road. Me and a few of the other guys were shocked by the way the forest seemed to speak. You could hear the trees and other plants making noise I didn’t think was possible, groaning and rattling like branches swaying in a storm. Everything started out smoothly. That is, until Allen tried to reach over and grab a granola wrapper off one of the leaves. I didn’t know plants could move so fast. He was gone in an instant, a blood curdling scream following him through the trees. They grabbed Sonya next, as she jumped backwards off the path. I didn’t even see what happened to Kurt, he must’ve been caught as we ran.
8 of us went in, only 5 came out. When we ran to the Beastkeepers, they just shrugged and told us we should’ve read the email. Bastards. They don’t care about us at all, they’re too worried about preserving the creatures and making sure the customers are safe.
Hell, they don’t even care about their contractors. That incident with the Kraken was crazy. I was put on cleanup duty. Can’t let dismembered limbs and pools of blood float around in the tank, obviously. That would raise too many questions. The poor girl was nowhere close to recognizable. Her head had been crushed so bad you couldn’t even tell where her eyes were supposed to go.
On a brighter note (I guess), the IT department granted me a new personal email. Suppose it’s better than being Employee #7836, but it doesn’t exactly change much. Just means I survived long enough for management to give the slightest bit of a shit about me. Anyways, I didn’t think they were serious when they said that the IT department was a bunch of fairies. I assumed they just meant they were really good at their jobs. How am I supposed to have a decent conversation with them when they’re the size of my palm? They were nice enough though, which is more than I can say for most of the rest.
Well, lunch is over, suppose I’d better be getting back. Hope I survive long enough to write another one of these.
Friday, March 14th, at 8:00am
To: scook@MMmail.net, + 837 others
From: Magical Menagerie HR
Subject: Issue with Uniform Order
As some of you may soon learn, there has been an issue with the new uniforms that arrived this morning. Upon delivery, it was discovered that the maintenance uniforms were printed red as well as the tour guide uniforms. We are aware of the problem and have already taken measures to fix it. However, the enclosures must still be cleaned and maintained, including the Minotaur’s Labyrinth. While we understand that the uniform color is not ideal for the situation, you are still required to wear the maintenance shirts at all times. Please ensure you have a first aid kit on you, especially when entering the Labyrinth. The Phoenix tears are in a jar by the east exit. Due to Phoenix’s producing such a small amount, please ensure you only use them in cases of goring.
We thank you for your patience and understanding as we handle the situation, and promise that the uniforms will be fixed as soon as possible.
P.S.
It has been 47 minutes and 13 seconds since our latest incident.
Signed,
Magical Menagerie HR Department
Monday, March 17th, at 12:30 pm
Journal Entry #2
Shaun Cook
I gotta say, the more time I spend at this place, the more I wonder whether I’ll actually survive. I thought when I took this job it would be a good way to serve my sentence, especially since I was only in for a year. Should’ve got that gun licensed. For the first two days in prison, I sat in my cell, still in shock of how I managed to end up here. I contemplated ways I could get out early (without actually breaking out), and avoided the rest of the inmates as much as possible.
On the third day, the guards mentioned there would be a speaker coming to the facility. At the time, I was shocked. I didn’t know prisons did that sort of thing, have people come talk to the inmates. They gathered everybody in the mess hall and had the speaker set up in the front. He was wearing a black suit and looked very optimistic. He spoke of the zoo, and the opportunity of a lifetime. He said that we could go work at the zoo, instead of serving our sentence in prison, as a new government approved way of imprisonment, and would be paid a small wage too. Most of the guys looked skeptical, but a few of us jumped at the opportunity.
Worst mistake of my life. I should’ve kept my head down, called it a scam and went back to my cell like many of the other inmates had done. Now I’m stuck here for the rest of the year, risking my life every day keeping this god forsaken zoo maintained. I wish the first week was the worst, that the Kraken and the forest was all I have to deal with. It wasn’t.
Just yesterday the zoo put out an announcement. They were bringing in another Hell-Hound, and needed some of the crew to help move it. The beast was supposed to be sedated, and all we had to do was move it from the truck to its enclosure. Unfortunately for us it woke up, its eyes snapping open and its head whirling around in a flash as it tried to eat Jenkins. Fortunately Jenkins is large. The hound tried to swallow him whole, which made the rest of us panic (Why don’t they get the beastkeepers to do these goddamn jobs?), and we ran. I hid behind some of the shipping crates holding feed for the creatures, until I heard hacking and coughing coming from around the corner in between the shouting and screaming, followed by whimpering, then sudden silence. Mustering the courage to look, I turned the corner. The beast was lying on its side, with Jenkins’ legs still hanging out of its mouth. Neither one made it.
I hate this place. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. There’s no telling if I’ll survive the next twelve minutes, much less the next twelve months! But I’m stuck here, so I’ll just have to be as careful as possible, and pray I’m one of the lucky ones.
Wednesday, March 19th, at 2:47pm
To: scook@MMmail.net+ 813 others
From: Magical Menagerie HR
Subject: Reminder on Unicorns
This email is a friendly reminder that if you are not a certified virgin, you are NOT permitted into the unicorn enclosure. We hope the recent incident demonstrates the consequences of disobeying this rule. As always, we have taken sufficient action to ensure the cooperation of the employee’s family and have provided compensation for their loss.
The enclosure must be closed down for the rest of the day. The beastkeepers will move the Unicorns out of the enclosure and into a secure location for the remainder of the night. Once they finish, maintenance must clean the mess. The security curtains have already been closed in the viewing area. Children are the most popular demographic for this exhibit, and we don’t want to lose any customers due to trauma. As always, we thank you for your cooperation and remind you of the NDA you signed!
P.S.
It has been 4 minutes and 51 seconds since our last incident.
Signed,
Magical Menagerie HR
Friday, March 21st, at 12:30pm
Journal Entry #3
Shaun Cook
Scotty has an idea. Apparently he and Katie have been working on something for a few weeks, and need another person to put it together. We’ve all decided this place isn’t worth being out of a cell. It’s too dangerous, there’s no way we’d survive our full sentence. I’ve been here for three weeks and I’ve already lost track of how many people have died.
Katie is one of the dock workers. She says there’s trucks of feed for the creatures that unload twice a week. They typically dock in caravans of three, all unloading at the same time. Coincidentally, This is the same dock that the zoo brings their new creatures in. The company has been setting up a new enclosure, and recently announced that on Tuesday they are shipping in a pair of Wyverns for a new exhibit. Scotty is another one of the maintenance workers that was with us during the Hell-Hound incident, and says he’s been around for several other times when creatures have been brought in and things have gone wrong.
Scotty and I are both supposed to be present when the Wyvern’s arrive, and Katie is on break at the time. Luckily, Scotty has been assigned to provide the second level of sedation when we unload the beasts off the truck. His plan is simply to not provide that sedation. We found out later that’s what went wrong during the Hell-Hound incident. We’ll each take a truck. Pull off at the same time to not draw attention away from the Wyvern as it causes chaos. It’s risky, but damn I hope this works.
Wednesday, March 26th
15 Penn St, Eugene, Oregon
To: Hannah Cook
From: The Magical Menagerie
To Mrs. Hannah Cook.
Please accept this letter as a formal apology for the death of your spouse Shaun Cook. We regret to inform you that he passed on Tuesday, March 25th at approximately 6:13 pm in an accident involving the delivery of a Wyvern to its exhibit. We at Magical Menagerie offer our deepest condolences to you and your family and wish you the best moving forward.
Company policy typically warrants compensation for the loss of a family member in the workplace in the form of 10 free passes to The Magical Menagerie Zoo. Regrettably, your husband was not on company grounds at the time of his death. Therefore, you are not entitled to any financial compensation.
Our condolences,
Magical Menagerie HR Department.
Friday, April 4th
15 Penn St, Eugene, Oregon
To: Hannah Cook
From: Katie Coleman
Dear Mrs. Cook,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wanted to reach out and offer my sympathies to you after the death of your husband. I feel partial responsibility regarding his death and feel you deserve to know the truth of what really happened.
Magical Menagerie is a terrible place. It’s not at all what it seems like from the outside. There is no sense of care or security for their employees, and people die on a regular basis in the most awful ways. Your husband, another coworker and I decided that we had finally had enough. Since nobody is allowed to quit, we decided to try to escape.
The plan was simple, cause a distraction with the Wyverns and escape in the food delivery trucks. Shit hit the rails from the beginning though. Scotty, the other employee with us, died before we even made it to the trucks. The Wyverns awoke quicker than expected, and one caught hold of him as things went south. Your husband and I made it to the trucks and each took off with one.
They were waiting for him. Somehow the beastkeepers knew he would be there, they must have read his journal or something. We drove side by side, and all I saw was blood splatter everywhere, then the truck slid off the side of the road just as we passed the gate to the zoo grounds.
I’m so, so sorry. I never should have given him the idea in the first place.
Signed, Katie Coleman.