The nurse hands us an evaluation form and asks us to fill it out. The form is laminated and we are given a dry erase marker. In a tone that is neither friendly nor hostile, the questions asked as statements refer to the previous week.
In the past seven days:
I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things
I have looked forward with enjoyment to things
I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong
I have been anxious or worried for no good reason
I have felt scared or panicky for no good reason
Things have been getting to me
I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping
I have been sad or miserable
I have been so unhappy that I been crying
The thought of harming myself has occurred to me
Each statement is followed by a series of options:
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Not at all
If your total score is 11 or more you could be experiencing postpartum depression (PPD) or anxiety. Please call your healthcare provider so that they can tell you that you have postpartum depression. If your answer to the final question is anything other than “not at all”, you may be in a personal crisis. Please call the appropriate emergency services so that they can help you by telling you to get in contact with a therapist.
Note: There will be no therapists available.
Sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture in interogations. After 24 hours of no sleep, there is a significant lessening of cognitive functions and it eventually leads to hallucinations. To separate from reality. This form of torture should be used
Rarely
Not at all.
The main caregiver to a newborn baby will experience hormonal changes to their body that make them a light sleeper. Even the smallest of noises will wake them. It helps with the chance of survival of their offspring. It prevents death in infants
Often
In the past seven days
While your baby was sleeping, were you free of the choice to eat or sleep but could do both?
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Not at all
I was connected to my baby on a sublevel of reality. I could sense when he was waking in the night. Something moved between wavelengths from his tiny body into my consciousness(unconsciousness). I was up and breastfeeding, still half asleep, before he could even begin to cry. We were connected. Bonded. One.
“Wow, I didn’t hear the baby cry at all last night. Must be nice having such an easy baby.” My grandpa was staying on the couch for the weekend of my brother’s wedding. He lived in Texas and I felt that I barely knew him other than what my mom had told me about him. I just looked at him, bags hanging heavy under my eyes.
Breastfeeding releases a hormone that makes the mother sleepy, making it easier to fall asleep. This helps the mother get more rest as she can fall asleep straight away but combining so much sleep deprivation with a sleepy hormone, doesn’t always make for safe breastfeeding. Hormones to wake us. Hormones to put us to sleep. Hormones to make us rabid beasts, too. To make us unrecognizable to ourselves, to the people around us. Making of us an enemy and isolating us from the people who are meant to help.
I remember jolting awake with him still attached, feeding. Then falling right back to sleep. Then, jolting back awake again. Over and over and over again. I tried to stay awake. I tried so hard. This probably helped me get twice as much sleep as I would have allowed myself to have. I tried. To allow myself an inch of compassion. I tried to be kind to myself and couldn't find the strength for it.
In the past seven days
Have you slept for more than an hour stretch of time?
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Not at all
“I’m going to sleep. I need to get at least 8 hours or else I’ll be useless at work tomorrow.” He said this as he rolled over next to me, baby suckly my tit, back aching from the strain. I’m sick with fevers. Shaking. My body hasn’t had the chance to recover from giving birth and I haven’t had 8 hours of sleep total in the last week. Why does he not see me? Why am I unable to speak up and ask for help? Why can’t he just take one look at me and offer to let me sleep for a few hours?
Did you know that lack of sleep builds over time? You might think to yourself that it isn’t a big deal. That you have gone on 3 hours of sleep a night for a whole week before. Have you tried going on a total of 3 hours of sleep a night, not in a row, for months? Perhaps occasionally getting a total of 6 hours if you’re lucking? It builds, piling, adding up. Until it is a weight that we can no longer bear. We bear it anyway. We crack but we rarely break.
In the past seven days
Has anyone told you that you need to rest more?
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Not at all
No one but us seemed to care that the system was broken, that it rarely stood up to what it set out to do. That its promises were often empty.
The symptoms weren't found in the posters promoting the benefits of breastfeeding. They weren't found in the postpartum evaluations they asked us fill out and never follow up on the answers. The symptoms were found on the smiles we plaster on our faces when we emerged into the world, wearing our wrinkly babies cozy in wrap that we learned to put around ourselves while the fathers complained that they didn't know how to do it, implying a refusal to learn. After all, this all does not come naturally to fathers like it supposedly does to mothers. As if we didn't also start out not knowing.
In the past seven days
Has anyone offered to help care for your baby for more than 20 minutes?
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Not at all
There is a lack of knowledge that slaps us across the face when we are blindsided by all that comes with a new baby. There is knowledge but without the wisdom. We take the classes. We read the books. We gather and organize all the necessities. We make meals and put them in the freezer.
It is only when we are in the thick of it that we see not only the cracks but the entire lack of support in a system. It was never made to protect or care for us while we are expected to protect and care.
If your total score is 11 or more you could be experiencing postpartum depression (PPD) or anxiety. Please, just wait it out.